Seasons

Exultation. Despair. Triumph. Defeat. Contentment. Frustration. Pride. Disappointment.

I have experienced all of those emotions – plus many more – in the last three years since I became a youth worker. And thus is my story.

Often, I feel like waving a white flag because I was tired of ministry. I didn’t want to be around teenagers sometime because I’m selfish. I would rather to be narcissistic rather than a servant. Sometime I wonder aloud if God wants me in this position because my heart doesn’t feel wholly into it. My ardent love for God fades when I face tough times in my personal life and ministry. I impulsively cry out, “Why, God,” when things don’t go well. I yell at God when bad things happens, and argue with Him relentlessly to get things done my way (actually, what right do I have to argue with the King who can take my life at a moment’s notice?).

Sadly but true, I do get ashamed of the Gospel sometime – the very thing that should give me endless joy and passion to share with everyone. I hide it out of fear, discouragement, and a momentarily lack of hope. I even run away from the eternal wellspring of Life without realizing it.

It is during those times when I want to abandon the call God has given me – and even my faith. Essentially, the fire within my heart was a dying ember enclosed within the ashes of its former glory. I knew deep within me that my life belonged to the King of kings, but I felt abandoned. I knew that God is always there for me. He never forsook or abandoned me. Yet I try in vain to run away from God just like the prophet Jonah.

Unbeknownst to me, God allowed me to grow distant from Him so I develop a holy longing for His divine Presence.

Sooner than later, I realized how depraved and worthless I was before God. I become horrified of the amount of sin in my life. I cringe at things that I have done. That’s when I turn around and run into my Father’s arms. I enter into His loving Presence in repentance. I start to drink the nectar of Life that flows from Him. The dying embers deep within me are fanned and rejuvenated, transforming into an all-consuming fire.

While cognizant of and consumed by His blazing Love, it is when I am reminded of the call God has placed in my heart. It is when I rise up from the ashes and faithfully press forward. It is when I am reminded of the high cost of following Christ. It is when I am strengthened and encouraged to face the world again. It is when I am reminded of my youth’s faces, the precious gifts God has given to this world. It is when I gaze at the face of Christ and am satisfied.

Thus sums up the seasons, the ebbs and flows, the waxing and waning, of a youth worker’s life. Minus all the titles and privileges I have in my life, less all the accolades received, while standing in the presence of God I am merely a Man, a condemned criminal forgiven by the anointing and redeeming blood of Christ.

Essentially, I am a saint and a sinner, eternally a willing prisoner to His Love.

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“Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, “My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God”?

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youth grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

~Isaiah 40:27-31